Kindred spirits...

Lately I have been getting alot more negative comment regarding being a mom of multiples. People accusingly ask me if I did IVF so they can shove me in the same category as the crazy lady from California and they are so disappointed when they find out that I did not. I can always tell that they want to ask more questions like "well then are they natural or did you do something to make this happen to you?". They want to know "Is this your fault or God's fault" and "Are you a victim of circumstance and I should pity you or are you a victim of selfishness and greed and I should tell you that it serves you right". I know this because some people are not so subtle, some people come right out at you and say these things. I have literally had people say "Did you bring this on yourself or should I feel sorry for you?"  I suppose that in some ways I did ask for this...I did want children. I wanted them badly, almost desperately and I always said that I wanted to have three before I was thirty...well I checked off that box, lol.  But some days I ask myself whether or not I am a good mom...somedays when I am tired and overwhelmed and I have spent the day fending them off instead of nurturing them and loving them as a good mom should I wonder..."Did I do the right thing?" and "Am I doing right by them?" Although I couldn't decide which one to trade in if I had a gun to my head...I am overwhelmingly guilty to admit that some days I have moments when I wish I was "normal" and that I only had one child at a time so that I could show them love more and give them the attention and affection that I wish I could.  Most days I am all business just to make it through the day and now that I have even less time with them in a day it feels even worse because I get home and hit the ground running...make dinner, make bottles, get babies ready for bed, put them down and then Mike gets home and I am mad and exhausted from my long day and from my even longer 1-2 hours with the babies....this is not how I pictured my life...but the Polly Anna in me asks "Is it ever?" and I get up every morning and make it work...we all do.

Someone on triplet connection forwarded along this blog entry. I agree with much of what she says...and I probably need to take her advice and get on the medicated band wagon...but even more than that, it reminds that I am not alone on this island at a time when I am really struggling to figure it all out...we all are...

WHAT YOU WISH FOR
By M. SINDY FELIN

Eleven and a half months ago I gave birth to triplets. That’s THREE babies. All at once! Not impressed? No doubt then you are among the hordes marveling at what is turning out with each passing day to be a curiouser and curiouser shipwreck in the person of one Nadya Suleman of Whittier, Calif. Suleman disgorged octuplets (seven plus one stowaway) a week ago.

I’ve been asked often in that week whether having triplets gives me any insight into what Nadya Suleman is about to face. It absolutely does not. Perhaps if these were her first children I might have something to say about sleep deprivation (it’s unimaginable), coordinating volunteers (a lot more people will offer to help than will actually follow through) or exclusive breastfeeding (don’t have your heart set on it). But with six children, including a set of twins at home, Suleman should have more of an idea of what is in store for her than I did when I found out I was carrying triplets.

So I don’t have any words of wisdom for Suleman other than, “Please, stop!” I do, however, have some advice for those who have recently found themselves pregnant with triplets or more. Many of these women find their way to the message boards of tripletconnection.com, where they post desperate questions about the chances of their babies being born without disabilities and their chances of finishing the pregnancy without becoming debilitated themselves.

I understand their worries; I had the same ones. But after nearly a year of being the mother of triplets I can see that theirs are not the right questions. What these new parents should ask — and what I should have paid more attention to — was what happens after the children are born.

To start, there is the financial strain. On the message boards parents share strategies on how to get free formula and diapers, how to find formula on the cheap on eBay and how to qualify for WIC, the government program that helps with the cost of formula and cereal for infants. I used to joke that I spent so much money trying to get pregnant that I wouldn’t be able to afford diapers by the time I finally did have a baby. It wasn’t so funny a few months into my triplets’ lives when I found myself exactly in that position.

Then there is the emotional strain that at times comes from a wicked level of postpartum depression coupled with weeks on end of getting virtually no sleep. I formed a close online bond with a group of about a dozen women pregnant with triplets and due around the time I was. When my babies were 4-months-old, I gloated to a friend that I was the only one of the group not on antidepressants. Sure, I spent quite a bit of each day shaking and sobbing alongside my newborns, but I wasn’t on meds! Not two weeks after that conversation, I stormed into my doctor’s office and demanded she give me something — anything, to make my day-to-day life bearable. A few weeks later, I had her double the dose of my Zoloft.

Finally, there is the strain on marriages and families. Couples counseling and divorce are often the topics of conversation on the message boards. My own relationship with my partner, shaky for some time before we became parents, did not survive the stress of raising three babies. I find myself now among a growing number of women who are single parents of triplets. Even the octuplet grandma out in Whittier has thrown a public temper tantrum and declared she will not be around when her daughter and the octuplets are released from the hospital.

And humming along in the background during all this chaos is the constant awareness that “I asked for this.” Triplets rarely just “happen.” You pay in money and emotion trying to conceive. Then you suddenly go from barren to oh-so-fruitful, and any regret or second thoughts feel hypocritical.

So you give up the idea of attachment parenting, breastfeeding until kindergarten, Mommy and Me classes, making new mommy friends at the park. And you forget all those daydreams about what finally holding our little ones in our arms would be like — the woozy, tearful love, the hours spent cradling a single, precious child. And you take on three times the postpartum depression and three times the screaming. A baby eventually sleeps at night but one or two are always awake. ALWAYS.

You do all this on your own, if you can, because reaching out for help is tinged with embarrassment that after years of yearning you can’t seem to handle it.

But here is the last thing these parents-to-be need to know. Each night there is a brief period of time where everyone is sleeping and you realize you did it — everyone is alive, dry, and fed. People like to say “I couldn’t do what you do,” and you nod heroically but in reality you know that yes, they could. When faced with the seemingly impossible, we women have a way of rising to the occasion. Because even with the seemingly insurmountable difficulties I face raising triplets on my own, I would rather be fighting this beautiful battle than return to the days I thought I would never carry even one child of my own.

Standing...what!

A few more birthday pics...

Happy Birthday to Zachary!

Happy Birthday to Konrad

Happy Birthday to Mikey, Happy Birthday to you!

My little monsters...

Mikey, caught in the act!

Konrad, riding a new present!

Konrad standing by himself!

Birthday Boys!

Happy 1 Year Old Birthday Babies! The boys turned 1 year old yesterday, amazing!  We are so proud to have survived this past year.  It has been challenging, I won't lie, but very worth it.  We are so blessed to have such beautiful, healthy boys...and three of them too! We still can't get over the whole three kids thing, lol, but we are happy that we got so lucky, we can't pick one to trade out.  The boys woke up happy and were very confused by all the singing at them all day long, but like good sports they danced and sang along most of the day, laugh.  They really enjoyed their cakes and of course they approached the actual eating very differently. Zachary just tore in and covered himself, his chari and the walls in icing and cake. Mikey, picked at it for a while not sure if he should eat it, he looked around, watched his brothers and then ate it without using his hands...kind of like a pig trough, lol.  Konrad started eating it right away with both hands, but much more delicately than Zachary, he even tried to eat his candle before we could pull it off, he was READY, he has the whole feeding himself thing down. It was pretty darn funny. It definitely shows how different they are, but it was quite an experience to watch all three of them chow down on their cakes at once.  I am so happy to have gotten them through their first year (but a little sad too because my babies are little boys now) and I am so looking forward to watching them grow.

Birthday Boys!!!

The cakes in all their pristine glory!

Opening Presents

Eating lunch...we want CAKE!

Then it was time for cake...

Konrad eating his candle, Mikey not sure what to do yet...

Konrad eating his cake

I think I'm done...

Mikey eating his cake

Mmmm cake!

Zach loved his cake...Squishy!

Yep, he got the wall too!

Then the clean up...

Now you have some!

Zach REALLY enjoyed his cake!

Hope Mikey is not allergic to red dye...

mommy went back to work, omg!

Monday was my first day of work and I was of course sad to leave the boys and nervous that they would be okay and that Mike would have a good day with them.  Kelly came over to help and they did have a good day!  I did too. I think that my new job will be a good fit and although the 5 days a week thing will be very tough on us for a few months, after that it will be 3 days a week and I am sure that will seem like a breeze.   Now that I am finally getting out the house and talking to other adults, I realize how desperately I have missed my career and how invigorating it is to have something to work toward again. I love being a nurse and the challenges that a new hospital and new beginnings will bring are so exciting...it is great to be thinking and interacting with the world again.  I have been in survival mode for over a year...getting through the pregnancy and hospitalizations, trying to figure out how to be a good mom to three little babies while not forgetting to be a wife to my husband, trying to remember to be thankful that the boys and I are alive and cherish the little things while just trying to get through the day.  And I can feel myself coming out of it, and these past few days have really torn the wool off of my eyes and let me see how much I needed something more again.  I was probably ready for it months ago and yet the boys were so much my priority that I forgot the person behind the mommy....it is amazing the things we do not see in ourselves when we are overwhelmed and "in the trenches". 

According to Mike and Kelly, the babies coped pretty well with my absence until I got home, then you would have thought that I had abandoned them forever. "They were fine until you got home" was my favorite quote of the evening. They all started reaching up and howling and followed me like frantic ducklings into the hallway and bathroom as I set my coat and bag down and washed my hands. It is definitely more challenging to hold all three of them at once now than it was a few months ago, but I managed and they all hugged me  and clung to me and made me feel both happy and sad all at once.  Little Konrad handled my absence the worst, he didn't take a nap all day and he slept poorly at night too. He cried as I walked out the door on Tuesday and I cried a little too. It breaks my heart to leave them, especially when they are crying as I leave, but I know that if mommy is happier then we will all be happier.

Konrad is starting to talk quite a bit. He says "mommy", "more", and "ohbee" and all sorts of other chatter. Zachary is making noises all the time too, and laughing, but his favorite word is definitely still "daddy". Little Mike finally said "momma" intentionally this evening as he reached up for me but he isn't really making the same consonant noises like the other two.  

Mikey officially has 6 teeth now, the last four came within a couple of weeks, poor baby. Zachary and Konrad both have three and are working on their fourth.  We finally have started them on some real solids. We started with cottage cheese, noodles and soggy cheerios. Konrad and Zachary took really well to the whole "texture" thing. Konrad especially just feeds himself like he has been doing it for months...he probably should have been, but oh well...Zachary is a bit more hesitant and interested in squishing everything and Mikey wants absolutely nothing to do with it. This is a little worrisome since he has always had a slight issue with sucking his bottle and he is most behind in language and fine motor skills...I guess I will  have to have him looked at again and evaluated.  

Mikey is still the fastest crawler, with Zachary close behind, but the interesting thing is the style...they have the speed but they are army crawling. Konrad is crawling "for real" and with such precision, but he is really slow. He gets up on his hands and knees and does the classic crawl, slowly but perfectly. It is absolutely adorable and he is so proud of himself, but he rolls over onto his back alot still and gives up easily since his stamina isn't that great. We have been dedicatedly practicing their walking and they are all making "great strides" toward being more independent.  This is another place that I need Konrad evaluated though because his torticollis hasn't fully corrected itself and it is affecting his spine  and neck so he falls over more easily when crawling and favors his right side when walking. He probably needs some physical therapy in the same way that little Mike needs speech and occupational therapy, but as I am paying closer attention to them, I am realizing that they do need to be evaluated and plugged into resources that can help me make sure that they are developmentally on time. The whole "adjusted age" factor has been making me be way more laid back about their delays than I otherwise might have, but at the 1 year mark, I am feeling like it is time for action...plus I have seen a few other babies around their same age lately and I am realizing that they probably are a bit behind...I will keep everyone updated on what we find out. I am not going to freak out about anything, but information gathering is never a bad thing...so we will get more information and just have them looked at...now all I have to do is find a good pediatrician, lol.

And these are the clean daddy feedings...

"You want me to do what with this?"

"mmmm squishy"

"Finally, food I can eat by myself"

The clean up...

but soft, what light from yonder east...

I can see the light!!! My boys are starting to come back to me. I almost cried this morning when I heard them laughing, playing and chattering away in the living room...these sounds of normalcy are something I haven't heard for days. They still have very snotty noses and junky coughs, but its better than that barky non-productive cough so we are making progress. They are getting less needy and much more independent again too...almost back to themselves, although they are still milking it here and there, laugh. Each one of them is so very different and never has it been more apparent this past 10 days of sickness. Konrad is so Konrad, he just wants to be held and loved on and cared for and he wants is to go away and stop. Zachary is such a good sport and a fighter until he is really, really sick and then by the time he goes down he is in trouble and it is bad and has snuck up on us all, then he wants to be held because he is scared and usually so am I. Mikey is the ultimate drama king. He will play and play right through the inconvenience of it all until he has an audience or actual pain, then he can whip up tears and the puppy dog face with his lower lip out like no other and although he doesn't really want to be held, he will hold his arms up and whimper like he does and then cry anyway when you pick him up. The same exact illness started out so very differently in each of them, but now they are pretty much a chorus of junky coughs and sniffles, laugh. I can only hope that they keep getting better.

During this same 10 days, little Mikey cut three new teeth, poor baby and Zachary and Konrad are working on their two top teeth as we speak. They are all getting faster and better at crawling and they are so interactive with each other. They are walking while holding on to our fingers and sometimes they try to take off while holding nothing because they are so used to their walkers holding them up for balance...that is a lesson they will not have to learn to many times I should think, face plants are a hard learning method but highly effective. Konrad and Zachary have clearly voiced and meant their first words. Konrad will say "mama" to me when I am holding him or walking out of the room away from him, he also say "ohbee" although we don't really know what this one means. Zachary calls "dada" to Mike and sometimes to me, but he is definitely a Daddy's boy and knows that it means daddy. Mikey hasn't clearly spoken to us yet, but sometimes I think that he will open up his mouth and entire paragraphs will just start flowing. The boys are starting to develop their own little language and noises too. They have a certain growling noise that they all make to each other and then laugh and laugh and they run around after each other doing this and a few other noises over and over again. I absolutely cannot believe that we are in the last 2 weeks of their eleventh month...we have had them for almost one year, simply amazing.

Mike with 103 degree fever...this about sums the past week up

Grandma Carol and Georgia feeding the boys

a plague on both our houses

All of the babies are still sick. Matt and Ambers kids have it too so somehow we all got it together...I can't think of where...All of the babies have been sick since last Tuesday and Konrad since last Sunday. We are definitely changing doctors offices...at least I got that out of all of this. In the past week we have has 4 doctor visits and 2 ER visits, I mean really? Konrad started it with his string of 102-103 temps and then he got a runny nose and a cough and then Michael got hoarse, with runny nose and cough and fevers of 103 as well and then finally Zach succumbed to it with the worst case of all...probably because he didn't really get the high fevers so his body wasn't fighting as well as the other two were. We took them all to the doctors for the 3rd time on Friday and he poo poo'd me. I asked for a steroid for Zachary or albuterol, I was so worried the night before when he couldn't catch his breathe but the doctor refused. I asked three times, no crap, three times and I wasn't meak about it and he said no, he has an ear infection, his lungs sound clear...now perhaps it is the doctors age or I don't know what, but I could hear the wheeze from across the room. Of course, we did kjust come inside from out of the cold and IF the boys had croup or something like that the cold would have opened up their airway and made it better for the examination, but no no, doctor knows best and mommy, the pediatric nurse who knows what a kid in trouble looks and sounds like is just a laymen and couldn't know better than the old school doctor so of course it is just an ear infection and of course he will be fine...he even gave me his "just a cold" lecture as he called it and here is some amoxicillin for that ear infection, he will be just fine...pompous old wind bag...so we get home and Zachary has a bad evening and they all have a bad even coughing and snotting and crying from their painful coughs. My parents were there to help us because all of those sick babies were just a bit over the top and Mike and I had been dealing with sick babies for 6 days already with no end in sight. And that night sure enough, Zachary cannot breath again. So my mom and I spend 2 hours in the steamy bathroom trying to help him breath and trying to avoid the ER because it is snowing and of course I have somewhere to be in the next 3 hours at 8 am for the first time in months, I have a BLS class for my new job that I have to go to. Finally I say I have to go but call me if it gets worse. Thank God the class goes fast and I get home to Zachary working hard to breathe and everyone kond of hands him to me like, do you want your mommy...and mommy takes one listen and then decides that we are going to urgent care. And urgent care takes one listen and decides that we are going to ER. and ER takes one listen and decides that he needs, steroids (uhuh) and an epinephrine breathing treatment. After he got his steroids and treatments, screaming and crying and freaking out from the side effects all the while, he finally fell asleep after a few hours and he did improve...so they send us home with a nebulizer for albuterol treatments and send us on our way. That night went fine, my parents and sister Georgia and brother Kurt and his wife Kelly were all there with food and reinforcement energy to help that evening and my parents and Georgia had to spend the night due to the highways being closed form the snow storm. We had an okay night but Zach woke up in trouble with his breathing again the next morning. And I watched and waited and made sure that I wasn't over reacting...we made him lay low, no walker now crawling because everytime he does anything at all he cannot catch his breath. Tom and Debbie were over and spent the afternoon baby wrangling with us, but little Mike was in rare form and needed lots of attention and Konrad was, well Konrad, and we were all watching Zachary pretty closely. And finally at 11pm last night, I got worried again because Zachary just could not catch his breath again, so back to the ER. adn He got another treatment of epinephrine and they sent us home again. Last night, I spent the ENTIRE night holding Zachary in my arms so that he could sleep. He had a very bad night and was so very wheezy and kept coughing and he just would not let me put him down, he got absolutely hysterical when I relaxed my arms or tried to lay him next to me, even propped on a pillow or in his carseat, he just demanded to be held all night or he screamed and screamed...so I did. So now I am tired, sore, with three coughing cranky still sick babies and I don't really see enough improvement to feel like there is an end in sight and all of my reinforcements have been tapped out and well....shit...a plague on both our houses...may the curse be lifted soon...

new years, teething and sick babies...

Ava, Zachary, Konrad, Mikey and Spencer on New Years Eve!

New Years Eve Hats!

We have had a very busy ten days. New years night we went to Matt and Amber's house and spent the night and we had a very nice time. The boys actually slept and the adults got in a few board games and conversation. The next morning we had breakfast together and went home. On New Years day, Mike and the boys went on an adventure to the mall with Grandma and Grandpa Mitchell and mommy stayed home for some rest. On Friday, Scott, Darcie and Jamison came to visit and it was great to see them and meet little Jamison for the first time. He really is quite adorable and getting so alert and aware of his surroundings. Darcie has to start back to work this week and I can imagine how hard that must be, especially since my start date is coming soon. We really enjoyed their visit and we were so thankful that they were willing to make the drive down to see us.

Now for the boys, over the past week the boys started getting their top teeth. Mikey has taken the lead with both the top left and the one next to it already popping through and the top right close behind, poor baby, three teeth at once! Konrad is working on getting the top left and top right and so is Zachary, but none of theirs have come through yet. They are grumpy and putting everything that they can get their hands on in their mouth. Then on Sunday night, Konrad got a high fever of 103 and we have been fighting it (and him) ever since. He won't lay down and wants to be held and when his fever spikes over 101 he just lays there and whines even when we are holding him. He is obviously very uncomfortable and of course the doctor says its a virus...but we are on day 3 of fever now and I am a bit skeptical. He is so sad, his voice is hoarse and his nose is running. We have been taking shifts at night, but we are both pretty fried and tired of having to hold him constantly day and night. We had avoided Mike and Zach being sick but last night Mikey's voice was hoarse and this morning he is just pitiful. He is crying crocodile tears and his voice is so hoarse and his nose is running and he spiked a fever of 101.8 already this morning. So sad. I knew we were in trouble because he slept 3 hours yesterday afternoon and 14 hours last night...and then he let me hold him and put his head on my shoulder and just sat there...this is extremely atypical Mikey behavior so I know he feels like crap. Zachary is showing signs of a runny nose but no hoarseness or fever yet...here is hoping that one of them doesn't get it because Zachary always has lung issues when he gets sick and I don't want that. I guess that I am glad that Mike is not working during this time, but we are getting in each others way and on each others nerves...three teething babies, two sick ones, an unemployed Daddy and no sleep...recipe for disaster I would say...here is hoping that we survive, lol.

Jamison

Scott, Darcie and Jamison