A weird, or at least new-to-me weird, thing is happening with me right now...I am finally starting to come out of the newborn fog and feel a bit better physically and so I am feeling like I "should" go back to work or do more around the house so that I am being a "productive citizen of the world". Like if I just do laundry and dishes, then I feel like I should have made dinner and swept and vacuumed too. I know that this seems crazy because I have triplets that are keeping me quite "productive" but I have worked full time for years, since I was a teenager really, and so even though I am doing the hardest and most important work of my life taking care of my babies, I am feeling like I am not doing "real" work or not contributing or something. I am so tired at the end of each day and so relieved when Mike walks in the door and I am a team again, but I get these waves of panic telling me that I am not doing enough. Maybe its because I am not making an income for the first time in a long time or maybe its because I don't "go to work" I just wake up and go...for 18-20 hours per day...but this feeling of non-productivity is really a bit of a mind screw and it is putting me in a bit of a funk. I definitely know why stay at home moms get a work complex because I am struggling to figure out and become comfortable with this new identity as a stay at home mom. Even with the babies in tow, people ask me what I do and I say "I'm a nurse...but not right now...cuz well triplets...but I'll go back in a while" like what I'm doing now doesn't count as "what I do". I am sure that other moms have gone through this but it is new for me and it is going to take some time to sort through enough so that I am comfortable. I have planned to and really want to stay home for the first year so I can watch my boys grow and see all of their "firsts" because these are probably my only babies, but I am finding that it will be hard for more reasons than I thought...hmm...deep thoughts...
Anyway, now back to the babies...lately the babies are getting a bit more challenging for me to handle alone because they are starting to need quite a bit more attention during the day. They get bored very easily and they really want someone to play with them or hold them. I can lay them down on their play mats and make their toys sing and light up for them, but that is just not as good to them as me being on the floor with them moving their arms and legs and talking to them. For the past few days they have been letting me know that they will not be ignored and that play time means play time with mommy. This complicates my housework schedule a bit. Also, they are not sleeping as much between feedings and so one or more of them is awake and needing something pretty much all of the time now...I am feeling a bit like a chicken with my head cut off trying to run around and do housework while popping pacifiers back into the mouth of the sleeping babies and trying to entertain the wakeful babies. It is exciting to see them developing and wanting attention and interaction but at the same time frustrating because I feel like I am not able to interact with each baby in the way that they might want or need. I may have to change our schedule to an awake time/nap time based schedule soon...but I don't really know how to do that yet, laugh, and I just got really good at the three hour schedule. Even though they are getting more high maintenance (and I thought that wasn't possible, heh, shows what I knew), the babies are really fun to watch when they play. They are really starting to "talk" and make goo noises and they are turning into quite the little flirts with their smiles and facial expressions. Here is a play video...it doesn't do their extreme cuteness justice but it gives the idea...plus I didn't want the majority of the videos of them to be of them crying all the time, they really are quite adorable!
Babies at Play
a picture of "Babies at Play"
(for those of you who cannot see the videos)
1 comment:
Oh leah. you are a really great write. I love the conversational tone you use. It adds a sense of REALNESS to your posts.
I so understand your issues with momminess vs career woman. this si something I struggled with and continue to do so. however with only 1 child i could go back to worl relatviely easily. and that brings its own set of guilt issues that are no better.
so advice as a friend and a sister who loves you very much. please take your time and do your best to ignore your feelings of inadequacy b/c right now by taking care fo your boys (babies & hubby)- you really are doing the most important work you can do. also you need some time to get to know the new YOU-the mommy version of Leah. I am still getting to know the mommy version of Sarah. I feel different. I am different in so many ways-I keep finding this out the hard way tho.
but back to you! really take your time. you are right-this only happens once for your children. they only grow up once dammit and you had better be there b/c it is the most incredibel experience that does not compare with anything else I have experienced.
our generation of women and mothers dfoes not really know how it wants to be. we are fighting the so-called
"mommy wars" and what we should really be doing is working to support eachother and help our fellow mom friends and help bring the word FAMILY back to its proper place of honor as the center of all communities. the foundation of society.
the "mommy wars" (working moms vs stay-at home moms) really just ended up showing all the moms that we need to work together. check out this blog site called mothersmovement for interesting reading (in all your copious spare time of course).
there is a recent movement among young-ish moms called the motherhood movement. you should definitely look at thri websites and it will give you lots of food for thought.
and if you are feeling politically active you can join that part of the movement by goign to mom's rising. I am part of it and it makes me feel better evertyday!
love you very much always. you are an awesome mom and it will contineu to get better everyday.
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