September 3rd, 2007-9 Weeks

I am now 9 weeks pregnant...I am coping okay...I am so sick, so very sick. I hate puking. I have to clean the bathroom because I cant lay on a dirty floor..I hate all food...except green apples, orange juice, and frosted mini wheats, those are okay..and I am tired and I am a cryer and I hate crying and I am scared and nervous and I dont know what to hope for at my ultrasound in two weeks, one or more of the babies might not be there, that can happen they say...do I hope that there are only 2 babies now, do i hope that there are 3 still, I know I want them to be okay, so many decisions but really no decision at all. I am having a hard time finding my faith...i am happy but scared and this makes for a more than slightly cynical me...I find myself saying stupid, abrasive things to my family because maybe I want them to be as scared as I am, it seems like everyone else in my family and Mikes family has come to terms with this whole 3 babies thing and they are now taking it in stride and I am still sitting here in shock having made little to no progress in the last two weeks not really coping or accepting it fully..maybe because I feel like I have to decide what to do, or if there is anything to do at all, I am pretty sure that I have to just let it be, I don't want to reduce one of them but I am scared that I should from what the doctors are telling me about odds and outcomes. Isn't it better that some should make it if they all cant? but then I don't want to be the one to make that choice, that is not up to me, which babies will survive, I worked too hard to get them in there, I dont want that responsibility on my shoulders...I think I will leave it up to God, thats all I can do anyway and all I can do is hope that I have no regrets... I just dont know what to hope for anymore.